Starting Over, Facing My Demons and Healing

Hiya Pussycats!
It is time for me to make my way back to social media and blogging.
 So much to say and share!! I am super excited to get back on
this horse because there have been 
bumps in the road.
Warning! I am going to be rambly as this post is a journal entry
 if you 
will. This post is a declaration enabling to me to come
 out from my creative shadow and two years of confusion
and apprehension.
So, in advance, thank you for staying with me in this post
as I bare a few truths from my creative soul. 
This wasn't a difficult post to write but it is always a wee bit daunting
when one 
bares ones soul on the internet, as you do :)
Change isn't easy and can be terrifying when 
you start digging deep and look for the answers about what
went wrong. I am sure many of you out there can relate.
Lots has happened since I wrote last and also lots has not happened.
Firstly, I said good bye to my beloved namesake and faithful biz name
a few weeks ago. Weezi had been a trusted companion
and cherished friend to me 
in more ways then I can say.
Weezi helped me make my mark on the world and I have to admit
it is with many mixed feelings and a heavy heart that I
say good bye to my old friend.
Weezi has brought me more joy and happiness then I could
possibly put into words. The creative expression & colourful
 journey I have taken with Weezi has been 
the stuff of dreams.
I am extremely grateful for everything both 
good & bad that
I have experienced bc of Weezi. 
All the connections, the visits,
 the friendships, the fashion shows  
and smiling faces will
continue to be my resource for inspiration 
as I move forward with my re-naming and re-branding.
Change is never easy but it can be a bit less intimidating when
you know the time is right to make those changes. Now is the
 right time 
to change the name, how I run my biz and my
 life for that matter.
So, a last farewell and good-bye to Weezi with
 many thanx for the adventure *sniff* xoxo
( my bricks & mortar shoppe 2007- 2014)
So what is the new name of my biz...???? biz is now called "ila and alice" :)
I have re-named my biz after my Grannies bc they were
both incredible, creative, smart, tough women who helped
shape me 
into the crafty gal that I am today. I miss them both
 very much and  
thought naming my biz after them both
would be a wonderful way 
to honour their talents, their
love and their contributions to the 
world while they were here.

ila and alice were very different women but they understood the
 immense personal 
value of creating and making things. They both
loved to express themselves though 
crafty en-devours and they
were both very talented in their crafts of choice.
As I start my journey down this very new path I am thrilled and
greatly comforted by bringing them along. I luved them both dearly
 and being 
able to share their stories throughout my adventures
online selling eases the sorrow of missing them.
 I look forward to sharing their lives, their insights and gifts with 
you and having you get to know them :)
So what is the long rambley post all about then you might ask!
Well, the up-start with the new biz has been a wee bit slow 
as I am still handling my creative "stage fright" after
having shut  down 
my Weezi shoppe two years ago.
Things haven't gone as planned since I moved and closed the
I have been all over the place and changing my mind about
many things 
as one does after a major life change.
Something was missing.
I just couldn't get back into my groove. I was restless and eager
but also 
felt lost and confused. I didn't recognize myself  and I felt
 like I was 
in a thick fog and didn't know which way to turn.
People said... Pull your boot straps up! 
Move forward! Get on with it! It's easy, you've been doing it
for twenty years! Don't be foolish!

Well, the truth is that I have tried those things and it didn't work.
I lost my creative "mojo".  My feeling free to create, sew,  mix 
and match  and glue with abandon was adrift in a glittery spiral
After having lost my routine, my customers and my
sense of purpose 
I was having some serious blockage with my
creative abilities and it felt like the 
designers version of writers block. 

After I closed the shoppe in March of 2014 I thought I could easily
pick up
where I left off and just simply start creating and making
 like nothing 
was different. This was not to be the case.
I tried to get back into the groove and start sewing up a frenzy
of goodies. 
Each attempt was stymied with a lack of enthusiasm
and feeling of actual 
indifference. I just needed a break I thought.
But, after many struggles I got to the point where I thought 
to myself ...."I don't like sewing anymore".
Not like sewing?! Preposterous! I have been sewing since I was 6.

I luv sewing! I could sew 200 hours a day and luv every minute.
I sew in my sleep! I am a mega sewer! I sew everything
and anything! This could NOT be true because if I wasn't sewing and
wasn't luving sewing 
then who was I???? What did I have to offer
 the world without sewing? 
The concept was terrifying and
beyond perplexing. 
I had never, ever felt this way.
Everything came to an abrupt halt.
* cue in the needle skidding across the record*

And, so it journey into looking for my lost creative mojo.
It wasn't just about the sewing and designing it turned out.
It was all things creative. OMG!
This was terrifying with a capital T.
I was lost.
With great hesitation and reluctance I started to re-assess.
 I finally accepted and recognized that what I was doing
 before wasn't
authentic to me and my own creative expression.
I had to examine and look at at how I actively participated
in my own creative demise. All my mistakes and sins started
creep up on me like a sordid date in a cheap suit and I couldn't
stop him from showing up and knocking at my front door. 
I had to
 admit some shit I did not want to. I had to be realistic because
if I didn't, the 
bad suit at my door would NEVER stop knocking.
I had to take control back and pony 
up some truths because I hated
 the cheap cologne 
that wafted off that cheap suit and how it
hung under my nose with indifference. 

Here are those truths:
I created to sell quickly, I created to make everyone else happy
 and I 
created what I thought would make people "get me".
I created to fill a void in myself. I created with fear and resentment.
I tried SO hard to please everyone and I tried so hard to
be everything to everyone else that I lost myself along the way.
It back-fired with such velocity that I am still picking up the pieces.

Don't misunderstand, I still luv vintage, vintage looks,
vintage fabrics and all of the things I was passionate about the last
few years. 
The problem was that I created from a place that was
 looking for acceptance  
and validation from people who would
never give it to me. I created 
from a place that was a
true charactuer of desperation. I thought the harder I
try to please everyone the more they will start to REALLY see me,
get me 
and like my offerings. I contorted myself creatively
 and mercilessly trying made things that  
didn't come from a
place of true authenticity. I didn't create from my 
heart I created
 from a messy, confused, scared place that was ruled by fear.
Fear of failure and fear of rejection.
The sad part was, that after awhile this became a natural state for me.
I voided out and neglected my creative soul and consciousness and 
thought I could get away with it. 
Ultimately, the universe doesn't work that way.
Turns out that the universe will eventually slam the proverbial
piano lid down on your neglected soul in order to 
salvage what is left of your mental health and emotional well being.
My lack luster for sewing and creating was a heavy handed wake
up from 
something bigger then me and I had no choice put to sit
up and pay attention. 
My ego was shoved into a shoe box while
my inner self screamed and 
sounded the alarm.....
"Time to take the weapons from the walls people!!
We must end the hostility!!"

This was now out of my hands. Time to get real.
Seriously, the hardest part was saying and admitting that I was
 living in denial, shame 
and hurt. Mostly shame. So much shame.
Huge cargo containers chuck full and seeping out shame. 
Shame of perceived failures.
Shame of wanting and needing to be validated.
Shame and fear of anyone finding out that I was ....well, a fraud
and that 
maybe I really had no talent. Maybe, just maybe I
was an impostor and a fraud!! Point and laugh they will at the
 lady with the giant scarlet F pinned on her chest! 
It was a lot to
 process and I was unsure I even wanted to process it.
There was a lot of hurt under there.
Maybe I could sweep it under the carpet???

 Door #1: Live with the fear and self-loathing OR!
Door #2: Ask the tough questions, look within and find help.
Door #2!!
What was most surprising in all honesty that once I made
the decision to do so, I was relieved by how much support
and love was out there.  Yes! I found myself in a place 
 I was told it would be OK. OK???! Surely not! I am self-describe
and charlatan in my community. There is no mercy for such behaviour, surely. 
It couldn't be Ok. It didn't make sense.
But it was OK. I was not a phony.
All those icky, grimy, ugly, dirty mistakes and feelings that I harboured
 about rejection 
and validation were allowed to come out
without the humiliation I feared.
Hmmmmmm, fear.
Fear is a clever crippler who fancies dancing with humiliation on
 a regular basis. The two are a toxic and deadly combination
 that will grow roots in your 
soul so gently and warmly you don't
even know what is happening.
 They reside in your psyche like welcomed sidekicks bolstering
up your 
 ego for months & years with cheap gin and canned ham.
Because the sad part is that it doesn't take much to make your
ego feel warm 
and fuzzy. Your ego, if left to its own devices, will
thrive from the "liquid courage" of falsehood and doubt provided
 by ill-gotten nutrients.

What I didn't know then but I do know now is that forgiveness
and support are easily accessible. 
Strange concept to me this,
but very much real. The trick was that I also had to forgive myself. 
Imagine that.
Forgiving myself for being a fallible human was not
only doable but essential.

Essential. No options here...only forgiveness.

Forgiveness FOR myself FROM myself deep down was the
beginning of
the healing process. Being to able to look at myself and say
 "It's OK! Let's move forward" 
was a new concept to me. 
Let me say too, there is such freedom is screaming out
 "I fucked up!!!" So liberating not to fear saying it out loud
 and not allowing the anxiety to reside tightly in your mind
and in your chest.
I.Fucked.Up. ----> Glorious.
Relief doesn't even begin to describe how I now feel everyday.
Am I still nervous and unsure?
Yes, absolutely! But do I live under a veil of self reproach?
No, thank
Soooooooooo, yeah. This brings me to now.
I'm a little battle weary, still nervous but oh so happy to feel free
 of shame, fear 
and my self imposed emotional confinement.
So happy to have waded through so much of it!

From this point on I have made a promise to myself  to continue
 to the do the work while learning to not fear my inner voice
and my intuition in regards to what will make my 
creative-self shine.
The best part is that I will have both my grannies with me to 
 get me back into the swing of things. 

Hallelujah and pass the glitter and the glue gun!! :)
Thanx Pussycats for being a part of this with me!!
Much luv, Lisa xo
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